Stop

Stop.

That, I believe is my word for 2024.   

I ended doing the whole goal setting and resolution list long ago.  But then emerged the idea of choosing a word to focus on.  It made more sense, it kept me humble and true to myself, as well as taught me to respect myself more.

The last few days I pondered if I was going to write something again for year-end as I normally do.  However, I have felt so different in the past several days, and (if you can even imagine) I didn’t have the enthusiasm to find the words.  I considered even shutting down the blog space or shifting focus.  But then I ruminated on the word “stop”, and a message became very clear.

Back in March and April of last year, there was a war raging in my mind.  I was very depressed and working through the varying steps of terrible grief.  Things were very dark.  I felt hostage in an inescapable shell of someone I didn’t know anymore.  I was haunted by choices and events both in and out of my control.  Going to bed was miserable, waking up was miserable.  An inner voice reminding me of all the bad shit and telling me all the ways I’m falling short.  I hated being alone with my thoughts, but going out or having my kids at home with me made me feel like a failure.  I couldn’t shake it; I couldn’t see a way out and it felt to be getting worse.  I looked forward to church each week so I could breathe in the worship and words like air to the drowning.  Until one morning, I was desperate for church and I found myself unable to stay present.  My brain was officially hijacked.  The voices couldn’t even be hushed by worship that morning.  I remember, <so vividly> trying to hear the words of our worship music and then finding myself drowning in dark narratives going through my head.  I’m not important, I’m nobody.  I’ve done these things to myself.  I’m pathetic and everyone is sick of me.  Even those who love me can’t stand me anymore. This is my life now, it’s not going to change.  I’d try to refocus my thoughts and center myself in the music but would find myself lost again a few moments later.  It was like an out of body experience I had no control over.  I felt helpless and jumbled, and so desperate.  I couldn’t make it stop. 

But there was someone else who could, and did.

I’ve held on to this very personal testimony privately for months, telling only few, after it first happened.  It was too surreal to keep to myself, but too shocking for most people to understand or believe.  That morning, mid-worship, while voices in my brain battled to overtake and destroy me, I heard a strong male voice command, clear as day, “stop”.  Booming but gentle.  Y’all, my eyes were closed when I heard it and I looked up and around to see who said it until I realized everyone around me was still singing.  I heard the music again.  I remembered where I was.  I was present again.  The voices were gone.  In a literal instant, I felt like a war was won on my behalf.  My eyes darted to the left and right, feeling self-conscious, like I had just woken up from a dream.  I immediately realized those voices weren’t just my insecurities trying to seize me.  And it was not my own power that silenced them. 

I wasn’t depressed after that moment.  I didn’t do “work” to feel better.  It wasn’t therapy or a change of mindset.  It wasn’t a gradual shift.  Everything felt lighter, everything felt more manageable, in a moment.  I had to row myself home, but the stormy seas had calmed.  Call me all the things, scoff in disbelief, I don’t blame you, but that morning I experienced something only faith could allow me to understand.   In a single word, I was shown, I am His.

2024.

Stop.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. 

Stop when I feel angry/panicked/anxious and pause.

Stop reacting.

Stop wondering if they’ll stay, just take things as they are.

Stop saying ‘yes’ to everything.

Stop feeling guilty, start being intentional.

Just stop. And be still.

In an odd and out of character way these past few days, I’ve found a friendship with the stillness and the quiet.  I can’t quite put my finger on why, or be sure if it will last, but it feels a lot like the morning I heard the Lord command my thoughts to “stop”.  There must be a reason for that.  So as we hear many people begin their New Year with proclamations of what they’ll be starting: I am choosing to “stop” in 2024. 

Happy new year to you all!  I’m wishing you a year full of joy and abundance!