Single Floor Living
Arthroscopic Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) reconstruction with Meniscus Repair
This was my surgery. They repair the meniscus by stitching. I had two stitches placed. This awards me with a straight-leg brace for minimum of 4 weeks. No bending outside of physical therapy. ACL reconstruction can happen a few different ways, I opted to use my own flesh and bone instead of a cadaver’s to hopefully speed up my body’s acceptance and healing of the new ACL. They create this new ACL by slicing out the middle third of my patella tendon, drilling through my knee bones to feed the new ACL into position and placing screws to set the new ligament into place. TA-DAH!
Isn’t that lovely?
I have a saint of a boyfriend who took the day off work to bring my to my surgery - only to be met with disappointment of my lack of post-op, drugged entertainment. (Well, outside of the wide eyed, goofy grin I couldn’t seem to wipe off my face.) The surgery was two hours and he brought home the same day (I could have flown home or been pushed by wheel chair the entire way, I couldn’t tell ya). The first 2 days were pain pills, sleep and two of the most caring, attentive friends I have ever been blessed with to make sure I was eating and peeing occasionally. They also were able to fact-check my post surgery doctor instructions I apparently relayed to them with each other.
“Let’s get you standing, its been more than an hour".”
Me: “Oh, is that a thing?”
“Amy, you told me that.”
Me: “Oh. Did I? Are you sure?”
*Friend then texts my boyfriend.*
My kids came home half ways into my second day and I was extremely grateful to my mother for being there to do a little entertaining and dinner for them. Along with my mom picking them up from school, a mom friend and neighbor offered to bring my two oldest kids to school with her daughters in the morning. This was a two-day visit with them, thank the heavens, so I was able to be pretty relaxed in my parenting - screens for entertainment, snacks for whatever nourishment they needed and, lucky for them, sleepovers for the 3 of them together on those two school nights, since I wasn’t able to bring them downstairs for bed in the evening. They thought this sudden, temporary abomination of household rules was just the bees knees, and along with feeling ultra responsible and helpful in my shortcomings, they gloriously ran the household for the two days they were here with me. I took this as a big win for the circumstances.
Almost in a desperation over the last 4 years, I have fought tooth and nail to be self-sufficient. My whole life, I’ve been fiercely independent. As I grew, life experiences taught me that letting go of the idea of depending on others can free me of feeling certain let-downs and hurts. After my divorce, the magnitude of my experiences and traumas forged a battle within me to prove I can thrive alone. I’m sure its a combination of proving it to others as a token of public redemption, but I’m sure much of it stems from needing to prove it to myself. Being married, and as a stay at home mom, you place a lot of trust, confidence and dependability with your husband. In many of cases, all you have, all you own, all your security, all of your hopes and dreams depend on that relationship while you are child rearing and care-taking of the home. Whether or not you agree with that way of life or not is not up for discussion here, it works for some, it doesn’t for others, but it was the life we had chosen for our family. A gamble, unfortunately, that I was on the losing end of.
That, my friends, will change a person. In those four years after separation, I wanted to feel me again. Like those evenings I would sit in my cute, little apartment and look around at all of its coziness and know, this was mine. I did this. I wanted my happiness to be happiness that I manifested. I wanted failures to be from mistakes I made that I could fix and learn from. I wanted to be able to make decisions for myself without needing permission or feeling guilty. Self-Sufficient. I had some much needed help with financial burdens during the legal proceeds, but indeed, I do think I was able to prove self-sufficiency to myself after the divorce.
However, this makes asking for help even more scary. This surgery has, in the worst way possible, forced me to depend on other people. I can’t work. I can’t drive. I can’t get my kids to/from school. I can’t get to/from physical therapy. I can’t even get a sock and shoe on my right foot. I need people. Why is it so scary to need people? There are two main reasons for me.
You have to ask, then depend on others. So you’re essentially asking for other people to tell you where they rank you in their life’s priorities. Of course sometimes people have an air-tight reason for not being able to help out. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious and that’s when your brain steps up to the mic and says things like “Wow, lady, that’s asking a lot, why would someone do that for you?” or “Ha, did you hear their total avoidance of your predicament? How could you even ask for that?” So many people are not familiar with the challenges of single-momming, let alone when your body is broken. At my first physical therapy appointment, after explaining to her how difficult it is for me to find rides to therapy in the middle of the day, twice a week no less, on top of making sure my kids are taken care of she said, “Its really good you have family close then.” It was like when the judge looked at me and dumbfoundedly asked me, “Well can’t you just go live with your parents?” Neither had considered that maybe that cannot be a solution. And having to ask for help to fully depend on others leaves you very vulnerable to feelings related to self-worth, un-warranted ones and those that are warranted by how people react to your asking.
You then depend on others. Now that I’ve spent 6 days asking people for things, this one has snuck up on me. I feel like I have allowed myself to be enabled instead of fighting to do more things for myself. I let myself get comfortable. This triggers fears from past relationships greatly. Allowing myself to be comfortable in depending on someone being there triggers me to feel like I will allow myself to again lose the self sufficiency in myself that I have fought to strengthen. It doesn’t sounds as though the two can be related, but after several days of being able to depend on people to help me, I felt angry to be struggling alone. And that made me angry at myself. It didn’t feel like I was practicing the sufficiency I had proven to myself. This ended up putting me in unsafe situations to reclaim my security of independence. Sure I probably shouldn’t be using crutches on deck stairs or landscape rock, but when would those things have stopped me in the past? Why am I depending on someone to help me with those things now? How much more of my self sufficiency will I lose if I can’t prove to myself that I can survive this too?
It’s all a balance, I understand. I can ask for help and still be [relatively] self-sufficient. I can feel bad and I can I feel hurt doing things alone, and that doesn’t mean I’m dependent. I also understand I need to remember to give myself grace as I re-learn a lot of big life skills again, like trust and advocating for myself. Above all, I am deeply grateful for those who have been by my side to help my kids and I through this so far. It’s another colossal life lesson that will undoubtedly grow my faith and wisdom.
When I first had the idea to write a blog, I didn’t think I could because with so much I’ve experienced, I had no idea what story to tell or where to start. A wise woman one day said “just start”. She explained, “it doesn’t have to be perfect, that’s you getting in your way. You’re like a ping pong, you kind of jump all over. But the things you say can be a lighthouse for someone.” There has certainly been no shortage so far of things to share, life gives me a full supply.
So, I’m not sure how I feel about being a ping pong… but I hope someone else can learn at least this one thing from this edition of my tales:
Don’t jump on trampolines.