‘Marvelous’ Moments
Maybe it was the month. The month of August has never been a kind to me. The two that follow don’t typically feel too different. Or maybe it's because I had finally heard the full release of an emotional song that hits close to home for me, and I've been waiting to hear it in its entirety since March. But that August night I watched the final episode of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, I cried. It felt silly. I watched the slideshow of all the different scenes over the last five seasons, raised my hand to wipe the TV screen dark and then I sobbed. It was a great show, absolutely, but it wasn't the ending that had me in tears. As the final scenes played and I powered off from my spot on the couch, I saw the time, 11:11 pm, and I made the same wish I'd been making for years. That's when it hit.
I remember the first time I turned on the show. I was desperately trying to find routine and a new normal for myself. A stay at home mother, doting on 3 kids every day, suddenly finding herself needing to leave them on a daycare doorstep so I could work for half a week, then sitting in a toy-filled silence alone for the other half of the week. I hated to be in the lower level of my old house, in the dark, so alone. So I used a myriad of cables to hook up my geriatric laptop to a 27" TV screen, that had limited capabilities, in order to watch Amazon Prime upstairs and out of the shadows. It was in my living room next to a large picture window I could look out and see my neighbors. It made me feel less alone. Marvelous Mrs. Maisel had been all the rage on Prime, having been released a year or two earlier and the second season was just released. I have to admit, it was a little boring to me at first - that is, until her her marriage fell apart, her life was turned upside down and she coped with her dark humor. A destroyed marriage and life vision, managed by laughter, so familiar. The show became my distraction on those lonely quiet nights. The similarities of the small details in the show mirroring my own life kept me hooked and laughing. And I had watched its final episode, until 11:11 pm. It was over.
The last five years of my life are simply overwhelming to consider when I stop and think about it. The events, the hurdles, the setbacks and triumphs, the grit and defeat, the desperation, the hope, the fear and the courage, the highest of highs, the lowest of lows. Most overwhelming of all: the people. I am forever grateful to the immensely kind souls; friends, old acquaintances and perfect strangers, that held out their hands and held my heart. It's been a hell of a five years, and a lot of learning.
My kids can sometimes be the type A planner types and on a recent day out, things went awry and our plans changed on the fly. There was anger and anxiety flooding my car for awhile until we shifted mindsets and started a new day out filled with spontaneity and laughter. As I tucked them into bed that night and we recapped our day together, we talked about how even when nothing goes as we planned or hoped for, we always seem to have some great, fun adventure. Sometimes it's even better than the original plan. And we shared a sentimental moment reminiscing about all the times we truly adventured not knowing what we were even doing, and how much fun it was looking back to remember.
Isn't that life? It can be if we let it.
Man, the last five years were wild. The defeat and the courage, yes, but also the joy I soaked up in every moment I thought would never last. I never knew what the next day or week would bring, so I couldn’t waste a moment. Some of my best memories made by squeezing in every minute of every day I could with the people, in the places, doing the things that matter most to me. The adventuring, every day, into unknown territories, taking chances, learning, growing, taking opportunities.
Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is over, and as much as I wish the difficult chapter of my life could be over along with it, I'm growing to understand we may never feel 'out of the woods', so there's not a day that should be wasted waiting for things to be better or easier or calmer. Eat the tacos, go against the grain, break the expectations, say what you feel, be who you are, enjoy your day - or complain about it! These are your days, make them what you want them to be. Forget the fear of how it looks or what anyone will think of you. Forget the fear of the endless “but, what if’s”. Forget fear. I'm here to tell you, when you are your most authentic self, life tends to lead you where you're suppose to be. Lean into it.
“What if we discover one day that we were always the ones in charge? Just... No one told us.”