Hi, Expectations
An end to another day and I again find myself lying here making lists in my head of what I didn’t get done and where I should have crammed more into my day.
Sounds familiar, right?
A closet perfectionist, if you will, I was always the hardest on myself. The “professionals” I was surrounded by during my divorce were the gasoline to the fire that was burning me inside-out. The unspoken insecurities of the little girl in me were being vocalized and weaponized, publicly in courtrooms and case files: lazy, not good enough, dramatic, a liar, not doing enough, failing. I spent those years fighting to prove I was none of those things to people who didn’t hold an ounce of respect for me anyway. I spent years fighting to prove I was none of those things to the hurt little girl inside of me needing validation. I burned myself out. And I was never rewarded with any validation by those “professionals” I was jumping through the hoops for.
I have had to work very hard these last couple years to train my brain how to treat myself. If there’s a silver lining after being groomed and brainwashed for years, it’s that you must re-learn a lot about the person you are. Therein lies an opportunity we are blessed with, to become. To become who want to be, to become our own best friend, to become advocates we deserve for ourselves.
When my best friend sends me a text that says “Ugh, I don’t feel like I got anything done today”, do I respond with “Well, you really didn’t, why did you put it off?” Or if I sent the same text to her, would she respond to me with, “Well you could have squeezed more in, but you just didn’t, so it’s your fault”?
Then why do I talk to myself this way?
I watched another great video clip the other day about what it looks like to recover from something that’s taxing to our bodies. It starts with a glass of crystal, clear water. The speaker then drops 1 drop of food coloring into the glass. For this example, she tells us the food coloring is a triggering or traumatic event that we experience. She then grabs another glass of water and begins to pour it into the color-tainted water until the glass appears to be clear again from the dye. This is our bodies needing to be poured into, in order to recover to our healthiest selves. The more drops of dye, the more recovering, the more grace we need to give ourselves. We can’t be our clearest when the drops of dye keep coming before we can recover.
Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of pouring into ourselves between each drop. I know, those days during my divorce, my water was murky trying to meet all the impossible standards. This is why it has become such a gift to myself to learn how to be kind to me. I no longer feel selfish or lazy for pouring into myself.
Tonight, when I started to write those lists filled with criticism and shame, the voice I’ve been training, confidently started making a louder list:
Today I checked a box for my business.
Today I checked 2 boxes for my home.
Today I checked a box for my Parent-Teacher Organization responsibilities.
Today I bought groceries for my kids and made them a hot dinner and lunches for tomorrow.
Today I comforted and hugged my sad daughter who had a hard time falling asleep because she misses her Great-Grandpa who passed away.
Today I promised another daughter that I would help shoulder the burdens she is feeling and be a shelter for her when she needs it.
There sure is a lot on the list I may not have gotten to today, but there will always be more to keep adding. Life doesn’t stop. Today, I was able to give 100% of myself to the list of things I did get done because I didn’t burn myself out. I feel really good about that and I don’t feel guilty or embarrassed that I didn’t do more. My pace and pouring into myself is important.
To-Do lists will always be. Trials and tribulations will come and go. But I am working hard, giving my everything and raising three little humans that are watching it all. And I know, without a doubt, that my kids feel safe and loved by me. I know the person I am growing to become is someone that they feel proud of. That’s enough validation for me.