Little Lessons in the Battlefield
I spent 2.5 hours refereeing a battle over the day's plans for our household a few days ago. Its typical for me to divert their arguments back onto them to figure out, while I stand back in the shadows coaching them where to lead the discussion - or fight. This one began the same but escalated sharply with buried emotions bubbling to the surface. By the end I was ready for a stiff drink and remembered why it's such a mental exhaustion to single parent.
Since I can remember, emotional intelligence and communication have been at the forefront of my parenting style. In an early learning parent-child class when my near Irish-twin kids were just babies still, I received a two sided piece of colored paper full of adjectives. At the top of one side, there was a heading of the most common emotions: happy, sad, angry, I'm surprised they didn't include 'hungry' for the age group. Listed below each word offered an abundance of alternative, and more specific emotions such as: overwhelmed, frustrated, disappointed, excited, eager, impatient and many more. I kept this sheet of paper on my refrigerator for years as my kids began to talk and read. I am self-aware that I mainly function with an authoritative style of parenting. That sheet of paper helped keep us connected and has become a cornerstone of teaching relationships and conflict with my kids.
Can we talk about how emotionally depleting it can be dissecting arguments and emotions of little people and training them how to handle disagreement? I could have just named the plans we'd be having and dealt with the fallout, but to be honest, I felt too lazy to deal with the fallout that morning and had hopes they would all be in agreement from the get-go. I got my karma. They were not in agreement, and I soon needed to decide if I was going to seize the opportunity to practice a little conflict management with them. I'll be the first to admit, gentle parenting is not my thing, hard as I may try. Keeping my $h!t together, going round and round with one child and than the other, gave me a practice too. But the adjectives and verbs that were named and discussed were worth the ibuprofen: selfishness, kindness, consequence, compromise.
It's a lot to be the parent who holds your children's big emotions. But it's a privilege like no other as well. To be the person your kids feel safe and secure enough to unload and explore their emotions with. Don't ever minimize that super power you have. And if you worry you're not doing a good enough job, just remember, it's OK to get angry, it's OK to not know what to say, it's OK to to make mistakes and apologize to them, it's OK to cry. And it's ok for them to know all of that too. Conflict is a lifelong practice they will encounter forever. There's nothing better, more powerful and more authentic than for them to see YOUR emotions. And your practice and growth in them too.
But then remember to refill your cup, mommas! We carry emotions like the grocery bags we dedicate ourselves to dragging in all at once. It can physically tire us. And boy, was I tired. And that's OK too. Remember it's also OK to show your kids how to rest.
There are lots of places to find great word lists on the web! I liked this one when I searched 'emotion chart' on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1331469782/words-for-my-feelings-poster-handout?ref=share_v4_lx