I'm Not Like the Others

In my marriage I was told I was over emotional.  Always over reacting.

In the "situationship" that followed I was told "I like you, but..." - "I'd be with you, but..."  Always a little something that wasn't enough.

In my closest relationship I felt like I was finally recognized and appreciated for the many different parts of me.  Until the end, when I was blamed for my reaction, after begging for compromise but having my every last boundary and button pushed. His words sharp and clear: "I should have just cheated on you, I wish I would have cheated on you "...

These are the words that haunt my thoughts in the quiet during this spiritual journey.

There were times in my teens I heard things like "She's pretty even though she has bad skin."  How often do we grow up hearing those nuanced criticisms? 

There are frequent situations I'll make it known to people I love that I wish to see them or spend time with them, and my comments are redirected to a different subject.

I've been ridiculed for how I am unable to burn bridges or cut out and ghost people.  And when they don't understand, they draw their own conclusions as to why I don't.

After telling someone close to me how I  had nearly been raped, I was told "You probably slept with him", because I still respond to him today if he tells me hello.

I'm a great many good things to many people.  But those aren't the things my brain holds onto so easily.

I was told by mediators and lawyers and parent evaluators and judges that I was lazy, that I was a bitter bored housewife, that I was ass grabbed at my job, that I pose an abuse threat to my kids.

There was a time recently that I hurt someone unintentionally, and for weeks after, I unconsciously began to shut down and wait for him to slip out of my life too.  I had flawed the "pretty packaged" illusion of what he believed me to be, why would he stick around?

I rarely believe the slander about myself.  I don't find myself to be a perfectionist.  I am comfortable in being uncomfortable with the mistakes that I inevitably make.  But as I begin to unravel my unconscious, I am beginning to realize, not that I haven't felt like I was enough, but that many many people have not stayed or stood by me because I wasn't. And maybe it was even just 1 thing about me that was just not *quite* perfect or convenient enough for them.  But it was enough for them to give up on me.

I understand much of that has more to do with them than me, but it has become the defense mechanism ringing inside of me.  After I made my apologies in this most recent criticism, without even realizing it, I was triggered and mentally preparing for the let down and exit.

I am not a victim, I'll be just fine. I don't always get everything right, but I love the way I love. I don't fit well in a mold though.  It's very hard for people to see the world and relationships  the way I do.  I'm often misunderstood and my mom will tell me it's because, "people just aren't like that, Amy".  I wonder often at this age in my life, if this way that I am will ever allow me to be the protagonist, instead of it making me the antagonist in so many stories.

I read recently, "I don't want someone to see the good in me. I want someone who sees the bad and still wants me" and I felt that deeply.  I want someone who wants ALL of me, and will stay.