Glass Dominoes

It’s been one of those years. Mindset vs. reality of life, battling for territory in my heart. I faced 2022 so confidently, feeling safe and determined, then right out of the gate it felt like I tripped on my face.

“It’ll be ok,” I told myself, and I dusted off my knees. I have been on a slow, tedious stroll through hell, this is only a little stumble.

I started this year with a mindset of strength and determination. I was content in my happiness, I had love and support surrounding me. It was a new year, full of new exciting beginnings and I loved who I had grown to be. Assured. Brave. Striving to be life-giving. Firm in my beliefs. Loved. Stumbling right away in January felt like a test, “are you sure you’re prepared to practice this mindset?” I made it through though, and thought, on to the great big year of confident perspectives.

I saw a satirical video on Facebook once. It was some sort of Ninja Warrior style course where the burly contender had to crash through several glass panes, lined up like dominoes. The content creator added overlays of words on each of the panes as the gentleman crashed though them: Up all night feeding. CRASH. Early morning start. CRASH. Coffee pot broke. CRASH. Mid morning meltdowns. Crash. Wouldn’t take a nap. Crash. Massive diaper blow out. Cr…Crash. “A Day In the Life of a Parent.” The last couple panes took multiple hits to break through, but he just kept going. Each pane left the contestant a little more disoriented, his body a little more weak. I imagine how his mindset changed between the starting buzzer and that 10th glass pane. I haven’t forgotten it, I don’t think I ever well. It gives me a good laugh, the kind where your brain says, “it’s funny, because it’s true!”

That is how my life has felt this year to a ‘T’. I was prepared for my “competition”, I trained for this, I rallied myself and believed in myself… It’s just breakable pieces of glass, and I am unbreakable. The first pane, crash! I got this. Then another, crash! It’s ok, life happens, I got this. Crash. Even when I broke my knee, in spite of the heavy worry of circumstance, I felt generally confident and happy. I had my faith in God, had an encouraging and loving support system and had emergency plans in case of unplanned situations. I was going to be ok. CRASH!

But the glass dominoes didn’t seem to let up. And to my dismay, it seems life thought it would make things more interesting by adding hurdles to the course. Spreading my focus and energy further than I thought I would have to handle. By the end of the 3rd quarter this year, I’d become disoriented and fragile, finding it harder and harder to maintain the mindset I made a promise to myself to practice at the start of the year. There I found myself questioning if I’d been a fool all along. Begging the question “why?”, more and more each day. Why did I have to lose?

The support system that surrounded and strengthened me also took a critical hit. We are steady into the 4th quarter of the year now and the glass-paned dominoes feel less like victories and more like survival. I get angry at myself for not doing more, or for not doing things better. With each new pane of glass or hurdle presented, I flip flop between Old Testament Job and that of his friends. Some days feeling self pity and confusion in feeling the hardship, and others certain that I must have done something to deserve this. I can feel old trauma, that I’ve fought so hard to grow from, knocking at my door. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t crack open that door a bit when things got rough, and entertained certain memories. In trying to remind myself from the darkness I came, it only seemed to justify how awfully hard this feels presently. I struggle now to seal the door back up, after insecurity jammed itself in the doorway.

My body has danced its way through the stages of notification to slow down. My skin is dull and blemished, my hair is thin, leaving me to feel ugly and exposed. Oversleeping and bad dreams tell me my mind and body are processing events and emotions. My gurgling tummy tells me I am unsettled and worried. Sharp pain in my chest reminds me that my heart is hurting and grieving. Taking each day in a way that honors my body’s requests leaves me feeling exhausted, and also judgmentally lazy. A balancing act of the mind and body. My confidence whispers “you are enough” and my mind demeans “you’ve done it all wrong”. Disoriented. Feeling weak. Tired. Crrr… crash.

Because of this, lately I have also struggled with imposter syndrome. I wonder if people appreciate the “strong” or “good with words” Amy, and then think I’m a fraud if I am the struggling or deficient Amy. I wonder if they realize they are the same person, and I wonder if they are capable of appreciating both. I am not strong. I am human; weak and ignorant. I crash through the glass walls because it’s what I have to do give value to the person I want to be. It’s hard, it’s messy, it feels miserable sometimes, but if that’s the path before me, I will not stop. We are not born with strength, it is built through experience and perseverance. It’s found in stumbling and failing and honest self reflection. I could take these hurdles that have drained me and retreat to a safe, familiar corner of my soul. Sometimes that’s the rest I need, but I intend on putting these hurdles, setbacks, struggles and triumphs, to good use somewhere in my life to keep going a little further, and a little further. One more glass pane, one more shot.

“If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” Romans 8:31

We are almost halfway into November and dang it, I am going to not only make it, but I am not giving up on practicing my confident mindset. I’ve got this, but I may need some help. I will fall, but I will not stay down. I will rally myself with positivity, but I WILL COMPLAIN. :) I will fail, but that does not make me a failure. I don't know if things will ever feel like they've worked out, but I don't want to be stuck where I am. Crash!